An Nisaa - I am Woman

It wasn't planned. I had been culturing stingless bees since July 2014 but they were not producing honey in their toppings where we could harvest them. It was only in February this year that we finally had enough to share with family and close friends from the inaugural harvest. And then extremely hot weather hit many places in the country and production was down again.

Finally, last week, we had collected enough honey to barely pack in four bottles. Yes, four...not exactly a production roll but it's a start, hehe! I had put a lot of thought into the labels that was going to grace my bottles of precious honey, and with input from the husband and my partners, we finally decided on a design. That was two days ago and I thought, okay, so what would be the best date in the nearest future to launch this?

I nearly flipped. My heart skipped a beat. I could feel the adrenaline rushing...it was scary too. I hadn't decided on the date earlier, couldn't. Plan I did, but that's as far as you can go. With bees...they call the shots. They decide when.

So here it is...the grand launching of the product from my wonderful, beloved meliponines...



on the 1st of April, 2015!!!




If the first three incidences (which I had written about in my earlier posts) on the first day of April are anything to go by, then I really hope that Bilut Valley Bee Farm honey will sustain and become a name to reckon with some day. The farm now has about sixty hives of which only half are ready for honey production. A good number to culture for commercial production would be a hundred, but there is already a waiting list of customers wanting to taste this very delectable honey which is less sweeter than most. It's tangy with a tinge of fruitiness, and will vary according to the nectar the bees forage on. But what's more important, meliponine honey is scientifically proven to contain a very large amount of antioxidants and has very good anti-bacterial properties. (Update: As of 30 April 2015, by the grace of Allah SWT, we now have a hundred hives at the farm.)



This is indeed a dream that really has come true. I have a few people that I am so grateful to, for without their support, this would certainly not have happened. My sweet sister Datin Aimi and her husband who has generously allowed us the use of his land and facilities, and a dearest friend who wants to be known as only Gee, I am forever indebted to the both of you. My children Aiman, Marzia and stepson Ayen and of course, my husband who believed in me and supported me all the way.

I must also mention people who have contributed by making doa' for me, Kak Yan and Ustaz Prof. Shahrin, and my eldest sister Prof. Azni and aunt Datin Prof. Rahimah who gave strong support and encouragement to start this project.

Praises to Allah, Who has shown that He listens, He provides and He guides. This is a mission accomplished. This is a promise fulfilled.

Mirror, mirror on the wall...who is this person, pray tell all?

I have always had an impulsive streak, which leads me to think of doing some crazy things. I also regard myself as a bit radical, sometimes rebellious, and at times irrational even. Like the time when I decided to marry a former drug abuser who had been to prison and a rehabilitation centre :-D. I'd always choose to do things differently from the norm, in a silent and usually solitary way because others wouldn't understand my stance. So most of the time, the compulsion would be forced to remain kept under wraps.

But now I learn that it's "what I am" not what I choose to be, as my mirror had wisely told me.  Having been "born and bred" in the city, I was never exposed to shamanism and the like. My late mother never allowed us to speak about the unseen so the spiritual world was something almost unknown to me. But ironically, I end up being a spiritual healer, which is not exactly what I chose to do. It had actually chosen me.

Many would be surprised at what I do because I sure don't look like one. Even my clinic is not the typical treatment centre you normally find.

Then came the passion for bees and the desire to be a beekeeper. Most people would regard it as whimsical or even nonsensical. With a few exceptions in someone known as Kijangmas Perkasa, my sister, Aimi and of course, my husband. They believed in me, in my dream and in my vision.

At times, I myself wondered why and how I end up being what I am, and doing what I do. Most times I just go with doing what I feel like doing, what I have to do and what's right to me. Now, having a soul mate and a sparring partner (who is equally radical) who ponders, scrutinises and analyses everything I say and do, there is so much more meaning and direction to everything. He is the mirror which reflects my innermost intents and desires, and then makes my path so clear for me by putting his thoughts and opinions about it in his wonderful writing. He knows me more than I do myself.

He seldom doubts me, even when I act on instinct. This is a crucial element in creating the energy for me to achieve my goals and desires. This is a comment he wrote at my Facebook wall which I want to preserve here, simply because it puts light and makes sense of every thing I do. Because he tells me who I am. And why is this important to me? Because it explains to me the whole purpose of my existence.

"...who never belittled my desire to have a beefarm." -- only a self-important, self-centred, know-it-all twerp who grossly overestimates him/herself, and underestimates others, would do that. I would know, for I was one (hopefully the past tense is correct).

From the first time I had known about this, it's so obvious you were extremely interested (through quietly reading your updates at Facebook from April 2010 and before even though I wasn't a Friend. You didn't lock access to 'outsiders'). Only now will I say this - even from very early on, I had never doubted you would have this. Regardless of whatever obstacles there were. And I love it when I'm right, as with this😁

We don't have this and that, and don't know how to go about with a lot of things. But I have confidence in you, regardless of whatever you are pursuing, because of "what you are." Lending full support and encouragement comes easy as a natural consequence of this. For one thing, your desire for this project is extremely reasonable. There's nothing fanciful, egoistic, wasteful, extravagant or selfish with this.

One of the reasons why I was confident - it didn't start with you calculating how much money you could get out of this. Instead, it was always "for others" - of you loving and appreciating bees and the good they help to bring about... Of being energised by the desire to ensure people obtain and consume honey that is 100% genuine, and not being cheated into taking honey that isn't (as is sadly the situation now with a very high percentage being of doubtful content)... Of wanting to create employment and income opportunities for others based on the Win-Win principle... Of the desire to keep on learning and sharing useful information with others...

With these intentions - and I certainly would know how genuine or not they are - I believed you had nothing to lose. No matter how things would have worked out, and will work out in the future. Even if you were not able to start this, it would still have  been fine...because you can honestly comfort yourself that there's surely a very good (yet unknown) reason why Allah had not allowed it to happen. We had seen and personally experienced this before - of why things didn't happen the way we wanted, despite us knowing our intentions are good. And then, some time later, we would discover why - of Allah wanting to bless us with better things, or/and to protect us from something.

"Because of what you really are" - this is among the reasons why I would never belittle or dismiss whatever you wish to achieve.

SubhanAllah, it's halfway through October already. I had pledged to write a post on each of my husband's birthday which falls on the 12th of the month. This would be the fourth year I'm doing so, albeit almost  a week late.

How time flies...I feel like it was only a couple of months ago that I had written for this occasion. We both have been so busy, which we are very grateful for. I had mentioned before that having a bee farm would be the ultimate in my healing career. And now, thanks to my dear sister Aimi, I am finally moving towards that direction, four years after I had hopelessly fallen in love with bees and beekeeping.

Most people would be planning their retirement at this age, but here I am getting involved in a new venture at just over half a century old and four years short of the retirement age. I have always been a slow starter, only realising my true calling after my forties. Notwithstanding the setbacks in my life, which always turned out to be the start of something better, it had been a wonderful journey, made even better after having married Ahmad Cendana in February 2011.

He too had gone through numerous changes since he first stepped foot on Selangor soil nine months before we married. That move from Pasir Mas where he had lived for about 25 years was barely two months after we had known each other. It sounds like a pretty short time, but at that time, it felt too long.

Unknown to me then, Ahmad Cendana was in a bad shape, putting it mildly. We never saw or spoke to each other; we communicated only through text messages and Facebook, so I had no idea how he looked, much less know the physical condition he was in. But the urge to help him was overwhelming. For the two months we were living 500 km apart, thoughts of him and his well-being consumed me. It wasn't just feelings of love, but a deep compassion and desire to help him get well, and live a reasonably normal life.

I had to totally depend on guidance from the Almighty, as there wasn't anyone else who was seeing him that could provide information on his actual condition. At times he would be silent for a few days, not responding to my messages and calls. I felt desperate and totally helpless when I was unable to be there to help him, not knowing his condition, and not knowing if he was dead or still alive...was agonising. During these times, I had almost given up, but always, just at the breaking point, I would receive "messages" telling me to be patient and to hang on. The strength He had provided me with to endure these times was truly incredible. 

The most significant "message" I received was that this man, who had gone through hell and back, was in a totally wasted condition and place. His disposition did not do justice to the gifts of talent and intellect God had bestowed him with. He himself was wasted, but even so, some selfish people had been taking advantage of him and making use of whatever he had at that time. He had done his time. It was time for his turnaround and for some reason or other, God had chosen me to be his aide.

The "messages" further indicated that Ahmad Cendana was meant for much bigger things in life, where he would be of immense benefit to mankind. Yes...mankind. That's the extent of his influence over people through his writing and knowledge, in a faculty that he would eventually master. "Benefit to mankind"...how could I ignore that call. I would have committed an unforgivable wrongdoing and be regarded as zaleem if I did.

Four years on, Ahmad Cendana is almost recovered, alhamdulillah. He had gained substantial weight, and has added four inches to his waist. This would have made my late Mama very happy, as she had whispered to him to put on some weight on our wedding day. He now works for a coastal and environment engineering consultant firm, where he loves what he does. He edits, translates and writes parts of the reports, which are the major source of income for the company. Some of the projects involved are crucial to the society, such as projects to stop soil erosion, silting and floods. Being involved in and contributing to projects that is beneficial to people bring much satisfaction to my husband, and it gives him the much needed sense of pride and fulfillment.

But Ahmad Cendana is not quite there yet. He has not realised his full potential, not even half of it. He knows it, but he is quite contented where he is right now. He just wants to be in the moment, and be grateful that he is now of use and of great significance to his family, his company and his country. 

We don't know what's in store for us; we just have to fully utilise the resources and energy created and presented to us each day. Between us, I think we have achieved more in the last four years than in the last forty years. Each day together is a celebration, each day is a blessing, and we're going to take each day, one at a time.

Happy Birthday, Sayang...I love you so much.

I took this picture on board the flight back to KLIA yesterday. It somehow made me feel very proud to be a Malaysian, flying on a Malaysian airline in Malaysian airspace. It was what inspired me to write this post last night, which "coincidentally" was the eve of Hari Malaysia.

A variety of shellfish.

Fish so fresh they can be arranged upright!

Squid that seem to be dancing with life.

Ever since he lived with me here, my dear husband would put up the Malaysian flag on both Hari Merdeka and Hari Malaysia.

It's a cold, rainy Monday in the Land Beneath the Wind and I'm writing this post using my Samsung Mega under the duvet beside my daughter. The curtains are drawn and as I write this, the sea is in my full view. Oh, what bliss!

There is nothing more I love than to be by the sea. The vast spread of rippling waters and the sight of boats bobbing on the surface provides a sense of serenity and calmness not found anywhere else.


What more when I am here with the people I love most...my family, or at least a part of it. We arrived in Kota Kinabalu on Saturday for my stepdaughter's wedding reception on her husband's side. His home town in Tuaran is 30km from Kota Kinabalu.

The newly married couple, my husband, sister and brother-in-law  and stepdaughter's parents-in-law.

It was so pleasant walking along the waterfront and stopping by anywhere that caught our fancy.

Azni loves pearls and adorns them almost everyday as part of her working wardrobe. Most befitting I would say.

The trip was also an opportunity for Marzia to meet up with Dr. Zehan, her childhood friend who is posted to the hospital here. Dr. Zehan joined us for a glorious seafood dinner at the Philippines Market at the Waterfront.

Daughter and sister on the wharf after dinner at a Thai restaurant.

Besides my husband and daughter, my eldest sister Prof. Azni and her husband, Abang Pin are with us. She was so keen to be with us on this trip, wanting to take a break after the hectic and high-profiled Global Economic Summit in which she was Chairperson. It was said to be an astounding success.

My sister is always extremely busy, as she puts the interest of the university on top of her priority list. So time with her is precious and few. We had spent some wonderful time together here shopping, eating, walking along the waterfront and whatever else people do on a holiday.

This is a very, very rare picture of my husband.

We'll be checking out before noon today, and once we're back in KL we'll be back to our normal lives again. Work and life goes on as usual, but the memory of the time we shared together will remain with me for a very long time. The time that was meant only for us.