An Nisaa - I am Woman

Mirror, mirror on the wall...who is this person, pray tell all?

I have always had an impulsive streak, which leads me to think of doing some crazy things. I also regard myself as a bit radical, sometimes rebellious, and at times irrational even. Like the time when I decided to marry a former drug abuser who had been to prison and a rehabilitation centre :-D. I'd always choose to do things differently from the norm, in a silent and usually solitary way because others wouldn't understand my stance. So most of the time, the compulsion would be forced to remain kept under wraps.

But now I learn that it's "what I am" not what I choose to be, as my mirror had wisely told me.  Having been "born and bred" in the city, I was never exposed to shamanism and the like. My late mother never allowed us to speak about the unseen so the spiritual world was something almost unknown to me. But ironically, I end up being a spiritual healer, which is not exactly what I chose to do. It had actually chosen me.

Many would be surprised at what I do because I sure don't look like one. Even my clinic is not the typical treatment centre you normally find.

Then came the passion for bees and the desire to be a beekeeper. Most people would regard it as whimsical or even nonsensical. With a few exceptions in someone known as Kijangmas Perkasa, my sister, Aimi and of course, my husband. They believed in me, in my dream and in my vision.

At times, I myself wondered why and how I end up being what I am, and doing what I do. Most times I just go with doing what I feel like doing, what I have to do and what's right to me. Now, having a soul mate and a sparring partner (who is equally radical) who ponders, scrutinises and analyses everything I say and do, there is so much more meaning and direction to everything. He is the mirror which reflects my innermost intents and desires, and then makes my path so clear for me by putting his thoughts and opinions about it in his wonderful writing. He knows me more than I do myself.

He seldom doubts me, even when I act on instinct. This is a crucial element in creating the energy for me to achieve my goals and desires. This is a comment he wrote at my Facebook wall which I want to preserve here, simply because it puts light and makes sense of every thing I do. Because he tells me who I am. And why is this important to me? Because it explains to me the whole purpose of my existence.

"...who never belittled my desire to have a beefarm." -- only a self-important, self-centred, know-it-all twerp who grossly overestimates him/herself, and underestimates others, would do that. I would know, for I was one (hopefully the past tense is correct).

From the first time I had known about this, it's so obvious you were extremely interested (through quietly reading your updates at Facebook from April 2010 and before even though I wasn't a Friend. You didn't lock access to 'outsiders'). Only now will I say this - even from very early on, I had never doubted you would have this. Regardless of whatever obstacles there were. And I love it when I'm right, as with this😁

We don't have this and that, and don't know how to go about with a lot of things. But I have confidence in you, regardless of whatever you are pursuing, because of "what you are." Lending full support and encouragement comes easy as a natural consequence of this. For one thing, your desire for this project is extremely reasonable. There's nothing fanciful, egoistic, wasteful, extravagant or selfish with this.

One of the reasons why I was confident - it didn't start with you calculating how much money you could get out of this. Instead, it was always "for others" - of you loving and appreciating bees and the good they help to bring about... Of being energised by the desire to ensure people obtain and consume honey that is 100% genuine, and not being cheated into taking honey that isn't (as is sadly the situation now with a very high percentage being of doubtful content)... Of wanting to create employment and income opportunities for others based on the Win-Win principle... Of the desire to keep on learning and sharing useful information with others...

With these intentions - and I certainly would know how genuine or not they are - I believed you had nothing to lose. No matter how things would have worked out, and will work out in the future. Even if you were not able to start this, it would still have  been fine...because you can honestly comfort yourself that there's surely a very good (yet unknown) reason why Allah had not allowed it to happen. We had seen and personally experienced this before - of why things didn't happen the way we wanted, despite us knowing our intentions are good. And then, some time later, we would discover why - of Allah wanting to bless us with better things, or/and to protect us from something.

"Because of what you really are" - this is among the reasons why I would never belittle or dismiss whatever you wish to achieve.