An Nisaa - I am Woman

"Bila malas membaca buku-buku pelajaran samalah dgn tak mau pakai topi ni". This is the flip side of the picture above. I'm not quite sure to whom he had directed this message to, but it reflects two things: his sometimes caustic ways, and the importance he put in possessing paper qualifications. It is also very possible, and very likely too that he had actually written it to motivate himself.

The casing which Abang Mat Cendana believes housed a Walter pistol. He never told us when and why he got to keep this but I believe it was during the insurgence. He was given permission to keep it as long as he renewed his licence but Papak surrendered it to the Police soon after he retired. Papak had access to a lot of highly confidential matters but he was so loyal to his Government he never revealed them, not even to us. When Anwar Ibrahim was sacked smack in the middle of CHOGM in 1998, I was one of those who disagreed and protested, and even rallied with Keadilan Rakyat during the following elections. Papak was dead set against my decision, saying that I didn't know the real reasons why Tun Mahathir took drastic action against such a promising candidate for the next Prime Minister of Malaysia. I begged him to tell me, but he refused, saying that it was a matter of national security.   I never got to know the truth; he had held it to his death bed. That was how loyal he was to the country. I trust my father and his judgement. More so now that I am more matured and able to see things more rationally. For all the government is worth, I know it is the safest for this moment.  Maybe it's not the best, but it is up to me to do my part to make it better. I will not just simply forsake what the Government and it's servants like my father have worked so hard for,  just because I am unhappy, disagree and dissatisfied with a few things.  The freedom and abundance of opportunities I have now weigh far more than the shortcomings. And these are the result of the opportunities my parents had. I am so syukur for that to Allah.  And besides, how am I to be sure that a different Government will make things better than it already is?  It's true that developing the nation is the responsibility of the Government, but what if the Government isn't responsible? Is there absolutely no bribery, no cronyism, no discrimination, no racism and no sinners in the opposing parties, or could it be worse if they were in power?

Papa received the AMN medal (picture below) for his service with the Government. Not exactly a big deal as many civil servants are given this award, but I'm so proud of him anyway. Mama used to tell us that Papak would diligently draft reports and such, and  the final copy would always carry someone else's name. Due to the deep-seeded humility in him, he couldn't allow himself to take credit for the work he did. He was one who didn't revel in recognition and attention, and didn't even want or expect it. Someone in the family has inherited this characteristic. You know who you are. :-)

Epaulettes (above) and buttons (below) from his service uniform.

His collection of cuff links. Papak was very particular with his clothes and his dressing.

I had thought that Papak only started reading translations of the Quran later in his life, perhaps just before he retired. But apparently not - this copy of a translation dates back to 1953.

A birthday card he had sent to Mama  when she was in the United States studying for her degree at the age of 50. Giving of cards like this may seem pretty normal for many married couples but it is very unusual of  Papak. He normally wouldn't, or couldn't express his affections physically, verbally or even in writing. In this case he must have been extremely happy that Mama was pursuing a degree, despite having to be separated  from her for more than a year.

Papak never had the opportunity to work in Putrajaya but he  admired Tun Mahathir's foresight and achievements. He made sure he visited the place, and with the help of a brother-in-law he was very fond of, managed to enter the PM's office and stand right beneath the dome. Coincidentally I had a little knowledge on domes and why many mosques have it, so it became a very significant and memorable moment standing beneath it, next to him.  Papak was very IT-savvy so he appreciated Cyberjaya too, even when it was in the very initial stages. He even expressed interest in buying a smart house  there but he doubted that he would survive the completion of one.  He was right, yet again. Al-Fatihah. May Allah SWT shower His rahmah on your soul Papak, and may you forever rest in peace in the highest of Jannah among the righteous, with the woman you so loved right beside you.  Ameen, ameen Ya Rabbal a'lameen.

The first day of April may be a day of jokes to many, but for me, this date has become a revered day; it has been nothing less than special, magical even. It was this day in the year 2007 when I had read an extremely crucial article that had actually influenced a critical decision I had to make at that time. A decision that would determine my whole future, and perhaps even more importantly, my  eternal life. Read about the decision here.

And again, on this same date exactly three years ago, in this exact spot where I am sitting as I write this, I discovered the existence of a man, living in solitary 500 km away from me; he was living in sadness, loneliness and bitterness. He was desperate to make amends to the many mistakes he had made and suffering he had caused his children. He was a tortured soul whose life didn't turn out the way he wanted it to be. In fact it had gone terribly wrong. Or could it be that it had been right? He tells his life stories here.

My heart went out to that man and today, he is living with me as my husband. And again on the glorious first day of April, with Allah's Will, we had  made it officially the start of our practice in a brand new premise at a new commercial area in Kota Damansara known as Sunsuria, The Core. 

So many things had happened since 1 April 2010 I feel it's been thirty years that I've been with Ahmad Cendana and not three. But this must be one of the biggest events in our marriage life - it is a project that we had started together and finished together, and made all the decisions in between together. 

Ever since I started practising alternative medicine more than ten years ago, I had always wished that I would be doing it with my husband. I reckoned an ideal situation would be having someone not only as a life partner but also in business. Just a year before I had known and married Ahmad Cendana, I was resigned to the fact that my desire was nothing more than wishful thinking.

I never regarded my practice as a business and for this reason, I was not able to make it a viable entity that could sustain itself in the long term. Though I took the healing part very seriously, the business part was far from  healthy. I did most things as I liked, without thinking much about profits.  For instance, the label on my products was designed purely because I liked it that way. I hadn't even considered whether it would appeal to consumers or not. Ahmad Cendana however for one reason or other, saw potential in it, and from very early on, had told me that he would help me develop my products and increase my turnover five-fold. 

"Wow!" I thought...just what I need, a business advisor! But I didn't take his claim very seriously. At that time, my attention and priority was on improving his health and straightening out his life. Not that mine was perfect but I just felt very strongly that I should do everything it takes to get him back on his feet again. 

Nevertheless he had already started thinking of ways to improve the business and was fine-tuning many aspects of my practice. He had thought about a LOT of things. In fact, he never stops thinking about things he would and could do for me.

His presence in my life has given me a lot of strength and confidence to do so much more for my practice. It is his complete support and belief in me, and of course his continuous du'as for me which lift my spirits to a level I had never achieved before.

I must say there were times when I had felt that maybe I should just stay at home and continue my practice at the house if I need to. I could actually just save and invest whatever money I had. After all, not only did I have a business advisor, he was also my own personal financial planner! Abang Mat had once aspired to be a remisier or dealer in the stock market, something I had not known till about a year ago. It's a bit too late for that, but he can now at least get involved again as a trader in the share market. Praises to Allah, The All-Knowing and The Master Planner, our matrimonial union has manifested with both our ardent desires being fulfilled. 

But of course my husband wouldn't hear of me going into early retirement. He knows what Islamic medicine and my practice mean to me. He knows of my intentions and future plans. He has made them important for him too.

Simply furnished without any frills, but with a lot of thought for the comfort of patients.

I have always wanted an office by the window!

My furniture is almost 10 years old; almost as old as my practice and they've heard and seen many, many stories and incidents.

My clinic for women only is more than a treatment centre. It is an experience for the mind, body and soul.

2007, 2010 and now in 2013, the first of April in these years have been so significant and full of sweet memories for us. But what is sweetest is the fact that all these wonderful things that have happened and are happening to us - they were never planned nor expected. The journey has only just begun but we are thankful for each day we have each other, thankful for this chance to make up for the many first of Aprils we have let slip by.

Mama and Papak, picture taken in the  early seventies.

It has been almost five months since the passing of my beloved Mama and more than seven years since that of Papak. I had thought that I had more or less gotten over the loss, alas it is not to be. My sister Yan, whom Mama had stayed with after Papak's death, and I, had the task of going through her personal things, sorting them and distributing them so that each of my other siblings would have mementos of her to keep. 

The task was far more daunting than I thought it would be. There were objects, notes, letters that brought on memories and of course, melancholy. There are still many things that I don't know about Papak and Mama; Papak was a very serious man who didn't talk very much and Mama was always occupied with something. She had always kept herself busy with cooking, gardening, sewing, reading, and yes, she wrote too. She and a sister, arwah Hajjah Esah Hamzah, had written two text books for Domestic Science students back in the seventies. 

Going through Papak and Mama's certificates and thinking about their struggles, hard work, commitments and achievements, made me realise that I haven't done any justice to their sacrifices. Papak especially, had made a quantum leap where his standard of living and quality of life are concerned.   

Mek, my grandma

My late grandfather's house in Beta

From a small remote kampung in Kelantan called Kadok, he had risen up the economic strata, managed to save and buy a detached house in Damansara Heights back in 1969, which became a prime location very soon after. He did this by equipping himself with education and knowledge, with honest, hard work and keeping to a very strict money management policy.

Tok Ayah, my grandfather

Though his parents had a lot of land, they didn't have very much money. They (Papak's parents, my grandparents) themselves didn't get any education besides writing and reading in Jawi, but Mek, my grandmother, apparently was a driving force where education for her children was concerned. Her unconventional teaching methods were related in a comment on Facebook where my aunt, Papa's youngest and only sister seemed to reminisce with much wit and warmth, despite the seemingly harsh treatment from her brother and mother. 




My grandma's teaching methods on my aunt apparently were nothing less than effective - she later went on to become the Dean, Faculty of Education, University of Malaya. Read all about Professor Dr. Datin Rahimah Ahmad here. Papak was very proud of his little sister and had once said to me, "Ja, make Ciksu your role model." 

Having been promoted to the status of the eldest child after the death of his oldest brother, Papak had to study and work very hard to make sure that not only he, but also his three younger siblings got their education. At a very young age, he had to ride a bicycle made for an adult so he would be able to use it for many years. The distance to the nearest school was five miles (eight kilometres) and he had to leave home at 5 a.m. in the morning everyday. 

He eventually left home on his own initiative to attend secondary school at the renowned Penang Free School. Despite the odds, he had attained results that were good enough to earn a scholarship for further education. My aunt believes that he was the first Malay student to obtain Grade 1 in the GCE examination at PFE. 

He had wanted so much to go overseas to study. But during the interview the education officer then had told him, "I can't give you the scholarship (to go overseas), I don't know your parents."



Papak was devastated, but the bitter disappointment and humiliation taught him not one but a few important and valuable lessons about life. From then on, it spurred him to make massive changes in his life. He was not bent on being discriminated by being a "nobody" and let it become a reason for not getting an education overseas. He tore himself from his roots and made his own way into the city, where he gained excess to more knowledge and opportunities. He exposed himself to western cultures and adopted the finer things in life as much as he could afford to, and learned the art of of table manners and social etiquette. 

Most of these are Papak's books, comprising the holy Quran, the translations and other kitabs by Muslim scholars and famous ulamas. He had made notes, underlined or highlighted important points just as a student would while studying a text book.  I volunteered to be custodian of these books as they are relevant to my practice. He also had a collection of novels; his apparent favourite was Jeffrey Archer, and possibly had all the titles in his collection. Besides religion and politics, Papak was also very keen on management, namely business and finance.

Papa learnt the English language by reading books, lots of them. He made all his children speak in proper English at home and fed us with reading material only in English. He was passionate about reading right up to his old age. He kept up with the latest in every subject, and was ahead of many people generations younger than his where IT was concerned. He was even reading the newspapers online. At the age of 74 in 2005, he was in contact with some of his grandchildren studying overseas and some friends by Yahoo Messenger.


On a lighter note, I did get quite excited because I had also found things and memorabilia that had escaped my attention and interest before. For instance, I never knew that he had obtained two masters degrees. He was constantly at his study table writing and reading some thing or other, and little did I know that he was doing long-distance learning! 

I had woken up around 5 a.m. on that Sunday and saw the Bbm notification on the phone. I had thought that it was a message from my son Aiman, who frequently sends messages to me late at night when I am already asleep. But it wasn't from him, it was from my husband. It  is a very personal message but regardless, and with his permission, of course, I have chosen to re-produce it here in my blog. It read:

It's October again, one year after my post Violet The Colour which I had written as a Birthday present for my husband, Ahmad Cendana. This year, besides this inexpensive pen (I'd spend a little more for him but I know it'll be at his displeasure so I'd better settle for this one) which I hope he'll like, and use, I thought I'd write yet another post as a gift for his 52nd birthday. After all, it was blogging that got us together. :-)

I write as I feel, and more importantly, I also write with the hope that I could provide someone or two  with some enlightenment, comfort, hope and even strength. I write with love, which, I believe is the most powerful emotion created by God for His beings. 

As a practitioner in Islamic medicine, I am confronted with many women who are depressed, disheartened and/or desperate and of course the reason is almost always because of a loved one, or the loss of one, and often, the fear and/or anger of losing one. Love is empowering, and it has incredible healing powers. But it can also be consuming and destructive. It's simple enough; when love for God is placed above everyone and everything, it is love that is constructive and productive. Anything less and we're doomed for an emotional disaster.

But as mere human beings, there are many, many times when our faith dims and falters. We give our love to this world and allow our emotions to get the better of us; we lose our focus, direction and strength. At this point we become very vulnerable, sometimes irrational even. I'm not exempted from going through these phases; if I am, I'd have to tell my patients "I understand how you feel, I know what you're going through, but only theoretically."

Some may question my reasons for exposing my personal life so publicly and seemingly without shame. For those who opine that personal lives ought to be kept private may even be disdainful of me and this blog. But that doesn't bother me at all; what matters most to me are those women who need reprieve. My experience from my practice tells me that women are immediately comforted and relieved when they realise I know and I feel what they're trying to express.

I would never judge, belittle or scorn them for I have hit the dirt many times myself. I am as much a woman as they are, one who has gone through trials and tribulations, who has many weaknesses and have made bad choices and terrible mistakes. I am real. And I survived.

But I had only merely survived. I had thought I was content as I was and that that was enough to get me by. That was up to May 2010, that is, until I found happiness in the form of a soul mate. Someone that makes me feel more adequate and complete. Someone who shares my views and dreams. Someone I now call my husband. He provides me with the much needed strength whenever I falter or when facing a difficult case; this is crucial because I need to be strong for others almost all of the time.

 It's unexplainable but Ahmad Cendana has made so much difference to my life and my practice in this one year. Besides the intangibles, one very pertinent thing I learnt from him is in dealing with wives of drug addicts, in knowing exactly what to say to them. And they know they can talk to me without fear of prejudice and embarrassment. For many of them, they love their husbands and want to be of help and support to them. But the pressure from their family and friends who only view addicts as troublemakers and worthless people puts them in a dilemma and in a state of confusion and distress.

I could go on and on talking and writing about love and happiness, or L&H, whimsical as it may be to some.  I dare say that these two virtues give us immeasurable power, not only to make things happen, but also to keep negative vibes and energies away. Not a temporary, superficial kind of happiness that one could get from shopping or eating, or from possessing something.  Not the kind you get from patronising H&M or JPO. 

This kind of happiness only serves to cover or hide a sadness, an emptiness, insecurity or pain. And empty pockets. Don't get me wrong, I like pretty things too, but when the desire to possess is so overpowering and shopping or anything else becomes addictive, financially damaging and/or is prioritised in one's life, then it has to be checked with all honesty to oneself.

Happiness has to come from within ourselves; it persists even without any possession, it is there in whatever circumstances we're in, it fills the vacuum in the soul and it heals all pain. It is not dependant nor does it expect from anyone or anything. It's terribly sad to see so many women living in sadness, fear, guilt, anger, regret, unhappiness and emptiness. These emotions are toxic to our minds, bodies and souls and in time will manifest as diseases and illnesses.

One of my favourite writers Yasmin Mogahed beautifully sums up what real love is, and as always,this surfaced just as I finished this post :

"Try not to confuse "attachment" with "love". Attachment is about fear and dependency and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest form of love because it isn't about what others can give you because you're empty. It's about what you can give others because you're already full."

As I always say, love is not about receiving but about giving. But how do we fill our hearts with love? First we must believe we are worthy of L&H. We must work on removing blockages and let go of anything and everything that is dragging us down.  Once L&H flows in our hearts, the energies radiate to those around us, our daily prayers become so very pleasurable, and it can...break spells...ah-hah! Not now...more of this later. 

Usually the experience comes through people because of the things done out of love and with sincerity. In my case, much of it came through a husband, one who not only ardently supports my practice but even gets involved in it. My practice constitutes a large part of my life, and with this practice, I am able to serve God by spreading Islam through healing. Similarly, many found L&H after getting involved in charity work or voluntary services, because they are serving God by serving mankind, and doing it sincerely and wholehearted, expecting absolutely nothing in return, except for blessings from Allah. I know some are actually smiling as they read this...

I must admit, I had once given up on the desire for a soul mate. I had  resorted to the belief that I was meant to be alone and my purpose in life was to directly serve Him. But I was wrong. It is mentioned more than once in the The Holy Quran that man was created to be in pairs, and my husband and I, we are obviously meant to be one pair. For us womenfolk, to be loyal, faithful and subservient to the husband is to serve Allah. Alhamdulillah, a significant part of my happiness lies in serving my husband because I know, I am serving Him.