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Just four years ago, I was certain that I had wanted to remain a single mother. This was a decision made after a broken marriage which had become bitter and stale no matter how hard I fought to keep it intact. I realised that it was hurting me and the children more than making us happy; it was definitely more disheartening than empowering. Our goals, ideals and even opinions had diverged beyond compromise and reason; we no longer had anything in common. 

The divorce wasn't easy, it never is. Especially for the children. But I had to "cut the losses" so to speak. I was tired and weary and about to crash and burn. It had been almost ten years of turbulence. There were only sentiment and empathy left, and even those were wearing thin. I didn't want to stay in an emotional rut; the burden was badly affecting my focus on my practice, and not to mention the children. 

But there was no way I would have known what would have been the best for me and the children. I could only perceive what the future would hold for us. My ex-husband and I had already been living separately and I was aware that I was much more at peace in that situation. But I couldn't continue a relationship which didn't seem to go anywhere but further and deeper into destruction. had to make a decision. I had to be the one to do something, and there couldn't be the slightest, tiniest room for a mistake. 
I knew that only God Almighty would have the True Knowledge of everything and so in Him I sought Help, Guidance and Strength. I did the solat istikharah (a special prayer to seek Guidance in making a decision or choice) everyday and just let everything rest in Him. Just by doing this I had dropped a huge load off my mind, shoulders and heart. Each time I prostrated I gained strength, and clarity in my thoughts and feelings. 

blue water drops wallpaperWhen the answer finally came loud and clear, I had put my total trust in Him and had made the huge and forceful step towards living my life on my own, ending twenty two years of marriage. I hadn't told a single person about my decision. Not to my closest family, and not even my own mother. She would have been devastated if she had known of my decision. Mama was one who believed in being totally loyal and subservient to her husband, whatever the circumstances. And there weren't many divorces amongst my family and relatives. 

The divorce finally went through in October 2009 with only the two of us at the Syariah court. No one else knew about the proceedings. I had only told my sisters about my status a month later. I felt totally liberated to say the least, but more importantly I had finally felt at peace. I was going through a spiritual evolution and I revered the time and freedom I had to perform all the compulsory and obligatory rituals in my own private space. I had told myself and my children that I was absolutely content and happy and had wanted to remain that way till the day I died. I sensed that the children were happier too, and thankfully their father and I had managed to remain amicable enough.

Stock image of 'fresh water with bubbles'

As it turned out, I was destined for something else, for something even better . In retrospective, who was I to think and to say what the future had in store for me, much less to claim that I know what was best for myself. It is He Who Knows best, and He Who decides. And there is no defying when He decrees. In hardly less than a year, I had met someone who had totally captured my heart. And in hardly less than a year of knowing him, I married him.

Three years on, here I am, the once adamant and unyielding, is suddenly feeling vulnerable and thinking what my life would be like without this husband. My life, my practice and I have been elevated to a level I have never been before with him. In every aspect: spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically, I am almost getting to the state that I want to be in. 
Of self-actualisation, if at all it exists. 

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