Just four years ago, I was certain that I had wanted to remain a single mother. This was a decision made after a broken marriage which had become bitter and stale no matter how hard I fought to keep it intact. I realised that it was hurting me and the children more than making us happy; it was definitely more disheartening than empowering. Our goals, ideals and even opinions had diverged beyond compromise and reason; we no longer had anything in common.
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I knew that only God Almighty would have the True Knowledge of everything and so in Him I sought Help, Guidance and Strength. I did the solat istikharah (a special prayer to seek Guidance in making a decision or choice) everyday and just let everything rest in Him. Just by doing this I had dropped a huge load off my mind, shoulders and heart. Each time I prostrated I gained strength, and clarity in my thoughts and feelings.

The divorce finally went through in October 2009 with only the two of us at the Syariah court. No one else knew about the proceedings. I had only told my sisters about my status a month later. I felt totally liberated to say the least, but more importantly I had finally felt at peace. I was going through a spiritual evolution and I revered the time and freedom I had to perform all the compulsory and obligatory rituals in my own private space. I had told myself and my children that I was absolutely content and happy and had wanted to remain that way till the day I died. I sensed that the children were happier too, and thankfully their father and I had managed to remain amicable enough.

Three years on, here I am, the once adamant and unyielding, is suddenly feeling vulnerable and thinking what my life would be like without this husband. My life, my practice and I have been elevated to a level I have never been before with him. In every aspect: spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically, I am almost getting to the state that I want to be in.
Of self-actualisation, if at all it exists.
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