An Nisaa - I am Woman

SubhanAllah, it's halfway through October already. I had pledged to write a post on each of my husband's birthday which falls on the 12th of the month. This would be the fourth year I'm doing so, albeit almost  a week late.

How time flies...I feel like it was only a couple of months ago that I had written for this occasion. We both have been so busy, which we are very grateful for. I had mentioned before that having a bee farm would be the ultimate in my healing career. And now, thanks to my dear sister Aimi, I am finally moving towards that direction, four years after I had hopelessly fallen in love with bees and beekeeping.

Most people would be planning their retirement at this age, but here I am getting involved in a new venture at just over half a century old and four years short of the retirement age. I have always been a slow starter, only realising my true calling after my forties. Notwithstanding the setbacks in my life, which always turned out to be the start of something better, it had been a wonderful journey, made even better after having married Ahmad Cendana in February 2011.

He too had gone through numerous changes since he first stepped foot on Selangor soil nine months before we married. That move from Pasir Mas where he had lived for about 25 years was barely two months after we had known each other. It sounds like a pretty short time, but at that time, it felt too long.

Unknown to me then, Ahmad Cendana was in a bad shape, putting it mildly. We never saw or spoke to each other; we communicated only through text messages and Facebook, so I had no idea how he looked, much less know the physical condition he was in. But the urge to help him was overwhelming. For the two months we were living 500 km apart, thoughts of him and his well-being consumed me. It wasn't just feelings of love, but a deep compassion and desire to help him get well, and live a reasonably normal life.

I had to totally depend on guidance from the Almighty, as there wasn't anyone else who was seeing him that could provide information on his actual condition. At times he would be silent for a few days, not responding to my messages and calls. I felt desperate and totally helpless when I was unable to be there to help him, not knowing his condition, and not knowing if he was dead or still alive...was agonising. During these times, I had almost given up, but always, just at the breaking point, I would receive "messages" telling me to be patient and to hang on. The strength He had provided me with to endure these times was truly incredible. 

The most significant "message" I received was that this man, who had gone through hell and back, was in a totally wasted condition and place. His disposition did not do justice to the gifts of talent and intellect God had bestowed him with. He himself was wasted, but even so, some selfish people had been taking advantage of him and making use of whatever he had at that time. He had done his time. It was time for his turnaround and for some reason or other, God had chosen me to be his aide.

The "messages" further indicated that Ahmad Cendana was meant for much bigger things in life, where he would be of immense benefit to mankind. Yes...mankind. That's the extent of his influence over people through his writing and knowledge, in a faculty that he would eventually master. "Benefit to mankind"...how could I ignore that call. I would have committed an unforgivable wrongdoing and be regarded as zaleem if I did.

Four years on, Ahmad Cendana is almost recovered, alhamdulillah. He had gained substantial weight, and has added four inches to his waist. This would have made my late Mama very happy, as she had whispered to him to put on some weight on our wedding day. He now works for a coastal and environment engineering consultant firm, where he loves what he does. He edits, translates and writes parts of the reports, which are the major source of income for the company. Some of the projects involved are crucial to the society, such as projects to stop soil erosion, silting and floods. Being involved in and contributing to projects that is beneficial to people bring much satisfaction to my husband, and it gives him the much needed sense of pride and fulfillment.

But Ahmad Cendana is not quite there yet. He has not realised his full potential, not even half of it. He knows it, but he is quite contented where he is right now. He just wants to be in the moment, and be grateful that he is now of use and of great significance to his family, his company and his country. 

We don't know what's in store for us; we just have to fully utilise the resources and energy created and presented to us each day. Between us, I think we have achieved more in the last four years than in the last forty years. Each day together is a celebration, each day is a blessing, and we're going to take each day, one at a time.

Happy Birthday, Sayang...I love you so much.

It's a cold, rainy Monday in the Land Beneath the Wind and I'm writing this post using my Samsung Mega under the duvet beside my daughter. The curtains are drawn and as I write this, the sea is in my full view. Oh, what bliss!

The newly married couple, my husband, sister and brother-in-law  and stepdaughter's parents-in-law.

It was so pleasant walking along the waterfront and stopping by anywhere that caught our fancy.

Azni loves pearls and adorns them almost everyday as part of her working wardrobe. Most befitting I would say.

The trip was also an opportunity for Marzia to meet up with Dr. Zehan, her childhood friend who is posted to the hospital here. Dr. Zehan joined us for a glorious seafood dinner at the Philippines Market at the Waterfront.

Daughter and sister on the wharf after dinner at a Thai restaurant.

This is a very, very rare picture of my husband.

My husband had just only remarked that I had given good titles for my previous posts. But he had spoken too soon; this time, I was at a total loss to what title I should give this one. I was searching for the perfect adjective to describe the two exceptional women that I would feature here. I wanted one that would reflect their outstanding characters, but it was difficult because in my honest opinion, they are, well... beyond words to describe. Yes...they are undeniably, women beyond words. 

"...it is my staunch belief that even if there is only one person who benefits from this effort of mine, then I know I have fulfilled at least one tiny responsibility to God and mankind." 

Norhafizah and her son, Ashraf Ilman. Despite her medical condition, she has brought him up to be a filial son, and whom will soon become a doctor, insya Allah.

Well, Fizah, you can be rest assured that you certainly have. Because after reading your book, of which the above statement was extracted from, I am so compelled to work even harder on my trigona bee project. You see, trigona bees produce a substance called beebread. Beebread is known to repair and rebuild cells and tissue that are diseased or damaged, and apparently is excellent in repairing damaged kidneys. There is no known medicine that can reverse the damage when kidneys are diseased so this miraculous beebread may just be the breakthrough in the treatment of End Stage Renal Disease (ESRD). And God willing, I shall dedicate my time, efforts and money in making this a reality. Because you inspired me.
 
Norhafizah and I both do not believe in "coincidence'. Everything was in His Masterplan, and this book of hers was published at the time when I had just started rearing bees. But more about this later, this post is about my friend Hafizah and her sister, whom she refers to as Oni.

The special bond between mother and son - this pix taken by Hafizah's younger son just tugs at my heartstrings.

Hafizah's "baby boy" Ahmad Zakiy, named after her nephrologist in HKL.

In the last few months, I had been experiencing some changes in myself, very positive ones: I somehow feel stronger and bolder, more than ever before. And I am wanting changes and challenges. Even though it feels exciting, I'm a little nervous about it too. It is quite unlike me; I used to be passive and laid back, preferring to keep a low profile and work in my comfort zone. 

Maybe it's because I've been spending a lot of time with my 24 year old partner, who's also my daughter since October last year. Marzia has joined me in my practice, and brings along with her freshness and spark to the clinic. There is definitely synergy between us. Initially she had planned to work with me only temporarily, on seeing that I was desperately in need of assistance in my practice at that time. Eventually, she found it comfortable working with me alhamdulillah, and started to gain interest in healing work. I couldn't be happier - it had always been my wish that she joins me and inherit all the knowledge and experience that I've garnered since year 2000. It's a double joy when she shares my other interest too, which is quite a surprise because it is rather uncommon among women.

In 2010, I attended a seminar on beekeeping and honey and it's medicinal uses. It was then that I started to look closely at bees and fell in love with them. Read about that love affair in this post here. 

Four years went by and my passion had not died out. But besides the stinging bee from the apis genus, I had also developed a very strong interest in meliponines, which is also in the same apidae family of bees but are stingless. Their honey has exceptional medicinal value, much higher than most other types of honey which are more well-known in the market. This, and the fact that they are stingless, had made me switch my decision to rear these bees instead. 

Just four years ago, I was certain that I had wanted to remain a single mother. This was a decision made after a broken marriage which had become bitter and stale no matter how hard I fought to keep it intact. I realised that it was hurting me and the children more than making us happy; it was definitely more disheartening than empowering. Our goals, ideals and even opinions had diverged beyond compromise and reason; we no longer had anything in common. 

The divorce wasn't easy, it never is. Especially for the children. But I had to "cut the losses" so to speak. I was tired and weary and about to crash and burn. It had been almost ten years of turbulence. There were only sentiment and empathy left, and even those were wearing thin. I didn't want to stay in an emotional rut; the burden was badly affecting my focus on my practice, and not to mention the children. 

But there was no way I would have known what would have been the best for me and the children. I could only perceive what the future would hold for us. My ex-husband and I had already been living separately and I was aware that I was much more at peace in that situation. But I couldn't continue a relationship which didn't seem to go anywhere but further and deeper into destruction. I had to make a decision. I had to be the one to do something, and there couldn't be the slightest, tiniest room for a mistake. 
  
I knew that only God Almighty would have the True Knowledge of everything and so in Him I sought Help, Guidance and Strength. I did the solat istikharah (a special prayer to seek Guidance in making a decision or choice) everyday and just let everything rest in Him. Just by doing this I had dropped a huge load off my mind, shoulders and heart. Each time I prostrated I gained strength, and clarity in my thoughts and feelings. 

When the answer finally came loud and clear, I had put my total trust in Him and had made the huge and forceful step towards living my life on my own, ending twenty two years of marriage. I hadn't told a single person about my decision. Not to my closest family, and not even my own mother. She would have been devastated if she had known of my decision. Mama was one who believed in being totally loyal and subservient to her husband, whatever the circumstances. And there weren't many divorces amongst my family and relatives. 

The divorce finally went through in October 2009 with only the two of us at the Syariah court. No one else knew about the proceedings. I had only told my sisters about my status a month later. I felt totally liberated to say the least, but more importantly I had finally felt at peace. I was going through a spiritual evolution and I revered the time and freedom I had to perform all the compulsory and obligatory rituals in my own private space. I had told myself and my children that I was absolutely content and happy and had wanted to remain that way till the day I died. I sensed that the children were happier too, and thankfully their father and I had managed to remain amicable enough.