An Nisaa - I am Woman

I had woken up around 5 a.m. on that Sunday and saw the Bbm notification on the phone. I had thought that it was a message from my son Aiman, who frequently sends messages to me late at night when I am already asleep. But it wasn't from him, it was from my husband. It  is a very personal message but regardless, and with his permission, of course, I have chosen to re-produce it here in my blog. It read:

The beautiful Arwen in Lord of the Rings

I just have to see this particular Lord of the Rings movie: "Fellowship of the Ring". First saw it in (Pusat Serenti) Gambang, and this memory alone brings back the state of contentment I was in at that time...a massive change from the bitterness, loneliness and despair before that. But it was also about one scene - of the love Arwen, the only child of the Elf king, had for Stryder, thought by others to be a ranger but was actually supposed to be the king of Gondor but who had turned his back to it. Elves live for thousands of years, and her father reminded her that she will remain alone after that, roaming the earth in sorrow for thousands of years later until she finally were to die, should she choose a human husband. But she chooses it regardless: "I choose to be mortal, to be with the one I love even if it will be for only the mortal's life and thereby I will roam the earth in sorrow after his death..."WOW! But I had dismissed that as "a story...no woman could have that kind of love in her heart." But I didn't know a lot of things; not with a marriage I previously was in. And then I knew you...and suddenly I understand the love of Arwen...and be grateful and humbled that you can love me as such. I am blessed.

Blackberry message received  on  Sunday, 30 December 2012 @ 2.54am

First and foremost, I want this message, this moment, to be cherished and preserved here, where I have mostly written about my life. I treasure whatever he writes and says to me, because he is one who thinks deeply and intensely into whatever he feels, and is sincere in expressing them. His words.. they always give me the strength, confidence and motivation that is crucial in my healing work.

Secondly, I being one who lives to try and make positive changes in other people's lives, or in making others happy especially in their relationships (with both mortals and immortals :-)), or at the very least give hope to others that life can be meaningful, believe, and hope that my stories just might be a source of inspiration for some. I don't claim to be an expert in matters of the heart, but whatever I write comes from true experiences and a solid conviction to help make people's lives just that much better.

Unlike Arwen, I am not an elf, obviously; I'm just an ordinary, mediocre human being, and nowhere near her as far as looks are concerned. But I do feel so blessed because I discovered love and happiness, found my soul mate, despite the odds, and live a fulfilling life with him, my children and my practice. Thus it is my wish that every woman will possess and feel the God-given love and happiness as I do. 

Many women who haven't found it yet do make an effort to search for it, but very unfortunately some don't and continue to remain in a sorry state. They are afraid of change.  Worse still, some women don't even realise that they are loveless, miserable and unhappy. Despite possessing wealth and success in their jobs or businesses, or husbands who are so, many women unknowingly or otherwise, store a vacuum in their hearts, and an emptiness in their soul.  



There are also those whose self-esteem somehow become incredibly low they can't even find it in them to love their own selves. This is dangerous; this lowly feeling of themselves is what makes them susceptible to abuse by husbands or partners. Some may even feel, deep in their conscience that  they actually deserve to be abused.  

It is important that we find love and our true selves, buried underneath all the ego, pride, pain, anger, grudges, discontent, vengeance no matter how minuscule and shame, no matter why and how they found their way into our hearts in the first place. All these negativities are not only obstacles to happiness, but also to bounties and sustenance life has to offer. 

Last but not least, I want to share and propagate my belief in the omnipotence of love.  It shouldn't be dismissed or taken for granted. Many couples just do not show and express their love for each other enough. Many feel it's shameful, showy, unnecessary, yucky even or just simply ridiculous to do so. Many couples stop the romance after marriage. 



It doesn't have to be blatant: private expressions of love and appreciation between the spouses go a long way. It helps especially when the roads become bumpy and a little rough. It's like taking vitamins to make your immune system strong, then it can fight the bad bacteria when it attacks. 



But if at all no one reads this, it's absolutely okay with me because the first reason is important enough to me. I try to be frank and honest in my writing, so I hope I come on as a real person, one whom people can relate to and not just a make-believe, too-good-to-be-true character such as Arwen. Besides, it's so therapeutic to write and put my thoughts into words. 

I am  actually taking a short break after a month working on a few patients with chronic malevolent disturbances, and somehow writing just soothes the aches and pains away.

 Now this is also something I am so grateful for: having someone who provides the much-needed support in my work. It's not just limited to moral support, but his presence creates a kind of invisible, formidable force that serves as a booster to my healing. It also protects me from harm that is considered as an occupational hazard in my line of work. 

Before this, I wouldn't have had the ability to battle serious cases of spiritual disturbances leading to hysteria and such. 

The peculiar thing is that, every time I faced a tough case, I'd be fine, but my husband would be the one who ended up exhausted and totally drained of energy. But true to his avatar, he accepts it willingly as his responsibility to protect me, saying that during his darkest times, his condition was many times worse...

When I married this man who calls himself Ahmad Cendana, I really didn't know what to expect of him. I had put my complete trust and faith in Allah, and showered him with love and care as any wife would. His past never bothered me one bit. We just focus on our present and future. Now, almost two years into the marriage, I realise there are many things I have discovered about him, about the powers of love, and about the absolute powers of God. The more I gave, the more I got.