An Nisaa - I am Woman

In the last few months, I had been experiencing some changes in myself, very positive ones: I somehow feel stronger and bolder, more than ever before. And I am wanting changes and challenges. Even though it feels exciting, I'm a little nervous about it too. It is quite unlike me; I used to be passive and laid back, preferring to keep a low profile and work in my comfort zone. 

Maybe it's because I've been spending a lot of time with my 24 year old partner, who's also my daughter since October last year. Marzia has joined me in my practice, and brings along with her freshness and spark to the clinic. There is definitely synergy between us. Initially she had planned to work with me only temporarily, on seeing that I was desperately in need of assistance in my practice at that time. Eventually, she found it comfortable working with me alhamdulillah, and started to gain interest in healing work. I couldn't be happier - it had always been my wish that she joins me and inherit all the knowledge and experience that I've garnered since year 2000. It's a double joy when she shares my other interest too, which is quite a surprise because it is rather uncommon among women.

In 2010, I attended a seminar on beekeeping and honey and it's medicinal uses. It was then that I started to look closely at bees and fell in love with them. Read about that love affair in this post here. 

Four years went by and my passion had not died out. But besides the stinging bee from the apis genus, I had also developed a very strong interest in meliponines, which is also in the same apidae family of bees but are stingless. Their honey has exceptional medicinal value, much higher than most other types of honey which are more well-known in the market. This, and the fact that they are stingless, had made me switch my decision to rear these bees instead. 

On the 24th of April this year, I had a very vivid dream; it had left a different feeling from the other normal dreams. In the dream, I was holding up both my hands in prayer, asking very hard from God to help me in fulfilling my desire to start a bee farm. From nowhere, my late Mama appeared, and she shoved an RM50.00 note into my upheld hand, not saying anything. When I woke up, my first instantaneous thought was, "Where, or who, could that source of money be?"  

Later that same morning, I received a message via Watsapp from my dearest sister, Aimi. "I'll be getting an x amount of money from.... Would you like a head start for your bee project?". My head started reeling, my heart was bursting and tears of joy were streaming down my cheeks. It wasn't just because of the offer, but also because of the very clear sign that Allah swt had answered my doa', and that the project I was going into was a blessing from Him. What I couldn't be sure of, is the presence and significance of Mama in that dream.   

Somehow, along the way, Aimi had become interested in the project too, and the two of us, together with Marzia, signed-up for a beekeeping course organised by MARDI in Serdang. It must have been more than sheer coincidence that this course was scheduled to be held at the end of May. It was most  
certainly destiny. 

Needless to say, I was elated to be amongst bees again, albeit stingless ones. And it was wonderful that this time, I was sharing the passion with my own sister and daughter. 




A company was registered, which officially had it's business commencing on the 15th May 2014 (the name, which will also be the brand name of our product will be revealed later when it is launched insyaAllah, during the coming Eid) bearing Aimi and Marzia as partners. Why that particular date, and why only the two of them and not me, is another story which I may tell in time...or not. 

Just four years ago, I was certain that I had wanted to remain a single mother. This was a decision made after a broken marriage which had become bitter and stale no matter how hard I fought to keep it intact. I realised that it was hurting me and the children more than making us happy; it was definitely more disheartening than empowering. Our goals, ideals and even opinions had diverged beyond compromise and reason; we no longer had anything in common. 

The divorce wasn't easy, it never is. Especially for the children. But I had to "cut the losses" so to speak. I was tired and weary and about to crash and burn. It had been almost ten years of turbulence. There were only sentiment and empathy left, and even those were wearing thin. I didn't want to stay in an emotional rut; the burden was badly affecting my focus on my practice, and not to mention the children. 

But there was no way I would have known what would have been the best for me and the children. I could only perceive what the future would hold for us. My ex-husband and I had already been living separately and I was aware that I was much more at peace in that situation. But I couldn't continue a relationship which didn't seem to go anywhere but further and deeper into destruction. I had to make a decision. I had to be the one to do something, and there couldn't be the slightest, tiniest room for a mistake. 
  
I knew that only God Almighty would have the True Knowledge of everything and so in Him I sought Help, Guidance and Strength. I did the solat istikharah (a special prayer to seek Guidance in making a decision or choice) everyday and just let everything rest in Him. Just by doing this I had dropped a huge load off my mind, shoulders and heart. Each time I prostrated I gained strength, and clarity in my thoughts and feelings. 

When the answer finally came loud and clear, I had put my total trust in Him and had made the huge and forceful step towards living my life on my own, ending twenty two years of marriage. I hadn't told a single person about my decision. Not to my closest family, and not even my own mother. She would have been devastated if she had known of my decision. Mama was one who believed in being totally loyal and subservient to her husband, whatever the circumstances. And there weren't many divorces amongst my family and relatives. 

The divorce finally went through in October 2009 with only the two of us at the Syariah court. No one else knew about the proceedings. I had only told my sisters about my status a month later. I felt totally liberated to say the least, but more importantly I had finally felt at peace. I was going through a spiritual evolution and I revered the time and freedom I had to perform all the compulsory and obligatory rituals in my own private space. I had told myself and my children that I was absolutely content and happy and had wanted to remain that way till the day I died. I sensed that the children were happier too, and thankfully their father and I had managed to remain amicable enough.

As it turned out, I was destined for something else, for something even better . In retrospective, who was I to think and to say what the future had in store for me, much less to claim that I know what was best for myself. It is He Who Knows best, and He Who decides. And there is no defying when He decrees. In hardly less than a year, I had met someone who had totally captured my heart. And in hardly less than a year of knowing him, I married him.

Three years on, here I am, the once adamant and unyielding, is suddenly feeling vulnerable and thinking what my life would be like without this husband. My life, my practice and I have been elevated to a level I have never been before with him. In every aspect: spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically, I am almost getting to the state that I want to be in. 
Of self-actualisation, if at all it exists. 

When I married Ahmad Cendana, or Che Mad as he is known in his home town, I honestly didn't have any idea what I was getting myself into, and didn't really know what to expect of all his family members. In fact I never really did think much about it. All I knew was, I had to help him get out of the horrible state of being he was in, and bring him back to his family, his aged parents especially, where he belonged. My husband had ostracised himself from his family and society, and one of my biggest wish was to reunite them. It had been too many painful years for everyone.

As far as his family was concerned, I only knew what everyone else who had read his posts in his Recovery blog did. Earlier in our relationship, I had only exchanged a few text messages with his father and younger sister. But it was enough to know, and hope that my presence in Che Mad's life would be welcomed by all of them. My own father had passed on in 2004 and the prospect of having someone again as a father figure was heart-warming. 

It took a while to cajole him into going back to Alor Star. I knew it was extremely difficult for him to face his parents after all those years and all he had done, but it was of paramount importance. With parents, there simply cannot be any compromise. I was looking forward to getting married, but not without the blessings of both our parents. After we had gotten them from my late Mama, I had insisted on meeting his parents and getting their blessings too before making any preparations for the wedding. Mama had wanted us to get married quickly so it had to be soon.

So, with my son, Aiman as chaperone, we finally made our way to the capital of Kedah state to meet Che Mad's parents whom he had not met for more than two decades. Suffice to say, there couldn't be a more touching, momentous occasion than a father and a mother reuniting with a long "lost" son.     

Initially I had admired Abah because he is such a responsible father. He possesses immense spiritual, emotional, mental and physical strength that had enabled him to face the tremendous challenges of having a son who was once a hardcore drug addict. He never once gave up and did almost everything possible to save his only son from the demonic clutches of drug addiction. This alone earned my highest respect for him.

Over the years, as I got to know him better, I started looking upon him even higher. His love for and devotion to his children and grandchildren are exemplary and the successes of his daughters are testimony to this. Nonetheless, he believes he had failed in bringing up and correcting his son. I vehemently contradicted him, telling him that he had done the best he could to help, and that he wasn't in the least at fault. I had assured him that whatever good that could come from my marriage to his son is most probably the manifestation of his relentless du'a and efforts.

It turns out that one of the best things being married to Ahmad Cendana is having the privilege of having a father-in-law in Abah. It feels like I have inherited a priceless possession, a solid treasure of eighty years of knowledge, experience, wisdom, love and strength. I feel so blessed to be able to live the last phase of my life being a beneficiary of his love. He calls me by a most endearing "Anakanda" and has "bestowed" me with the title "Che" as in his biological daughters' names. And I know it comforts and heals him from the pains inflicted in the past when I return his calling with a loving "Ya, Ayahanda". 
  
I will need a lot of composure writing this last paragraph because during the recent visit to Alor Star, I had finally realised the significance of something very distinct, essential and esteemed in this man I call Abah. Every time I just think about it I find myself crying hopelessly and shamelessly. It is the source of his strength, determination and tenacity, it is what he is made of, his whole being. It was the main reason he was able to withstand the hardship and bitterness in battling with the problems and consequences brought about by a son suffering from serious addiction. 

It was his love for a woman, the woman he'd do anything for, the woman in his life...his wife.

The door leading to Abah and Mak's bedroom.						Abah had written the date they got married and their 50th anniversary on it. Notice the zeroes in "2008" are heart shaped.