An Nisaa - I am Woman

Mirror, mirror on the wall...who is this person, pray tell all?

I have always had an impulsive streak, which leads me to think of doing some crazy things. I also regard myself as a bit radical, sometimes rebellious, and at times irrational even. Like the time when I decided to marry a former drug abuser who had been to prison and a rehabilitation centre :-D. I'd always choose to do things differently from the norm, in a silent and usually solitary way because others wouldn't understand my stance. So most of the time, the compulsion would be forced to remain kept under wraps.

But now I learn that it's "what I am" not what I choose to be, as my mirror had wisely told me.  Having been "born and bred" in the city, I was never exposed to shamanism and the like. My late mother never allowed us to speak about the unseen so the spiritual world was something almost unknown to me. But ironically, I end up being a spiritual healer, which is not exactly what I chose to do. It had actually chosen me.

Many would be surprised at what I do because I sure don't look like one. Even my clinic is not the typical treatment centre you normally find.

Then came the passion for bees and the desire to be a beekeeper. Most people would regard it as whimsical or even nonsensical. With a few exceptions in someone known as Kijangmas Perkasa, my sister, Aimi and of course, my husband. They believed in me, in my dream and in my vision.

At times, I myself wondered why and how I end up being what I am, and doing what I do. Most times I just go with doing what I feel like doing, what I have to do and what's right to me. Now, having a soul mate and a sparring partner (who is equally radical) who ponders, scrutinises and analyses everything I say and do, there is so much more meaning and direction to everything. He is the mirror which reflects my innermost intents and desires, and then makes my path so clear for me by putting his thoughts and opinions about it in his wonderful writing. He knows me more than I do myself.

He seldom doubts me, even when I act on instinct. This is a crucial element in creating the energy for me to achieve my goals and desires. This is a comment he wrote at my Facebook wall which I want to preserve here, simply because it puts light and makes sense of every thing I do. Because he tells me who I am. And why is this important to me? Because it explains to me the whole purpose of my existence.

"...who never belittled my desire to have a beefarm." -- only a self-important, self-centred, know-it-all twerp who grossly overestimates him/herself, and underestimates others, would do that. I would know, for I was one (hopefully the past tense is correct).

From the first time I had known about this, it's so obvious you were extremely interested (through quietly reading your updates at Facebook from April 2010 and before even though I wasn't a Friend. You didn't lock access to 'outsiders'). Only now will I say this - even from very early on, I had never doubted you would have this. Regardless of whatever obstacles there were. And I love it when I'm right, as with this😁

We don't have this and that, and don't know how to go about with a lot of things. But I have confidence in you, regardless of whatever you are pursuing, because of "what you are." Lending full support and encouragement comes easy as a natural consequence of this. For one thing, your desire for this project is extremely reasonable. There's nothing fanciful, egoistic, wasteful, extravagant or selfish with this.

One of the reasons why I was confident - it didn't start with you calculating how much money you could get out of this. Instead, it was always "for others" - of you loving and appreciating bees and the good they help to bring about... Of being energised by the desire to ensure people obtain and consume honey that is 100% genuine, and not being cheated into taking honey that isn't (as is sadly the situation now with a very high percentage being of doubtful content)... Of wanting to create employment and income opportunities for others based on the Win-Win principle... Of the desire to keep on learning and sharing useful information with others...

With these intentions - and I certainly would know how genuine or not they are - I believed you had nothing to lose. No matter how things would have worked out, and will work out in the future. Even if you were not able to start this, it would still have  been fine...because you can honestly comfort yourself that there's surely a very good (yet unknown) reason why Allah had not allowed it to happen. We had seen and personally experienced this before - of why things didn't happen the way we wanted, despite us knowing our intentions are good. And then, some time later, we would discover why - of Allah wanting to bless us with better things, or/and to protect us from something.

"Because of what you really are" - this is among the reasons why I would never belittle or dismiss whatever you wish to achieve.

SubhanAllah, it's halfway through October already. I had pledged to write a post on each of my husband's birthday which falls on the 12th of the month. This would be the fourth year I'm doing so, albeit almost  a week late.

How time flies...I feel like it was only a couple of months ago that I had written for this occasion. We both have been so busy, which we are very grateful for. I had mentioned before that having a bee farm would be the ultimate in my healing career. And now, thanks to my dear sister Aimi, I am finally moving towards that direction, four years after I had hopelessly fallen in love with bees and beekeeping.

Most people would be planning their retirement at this age, but here I am getting involved in a new venture at just over half a century old and four years short of the retirement age. I have always been a slow starter, only realising my true calling after my forties. Notwithstanding the setbacks in my life, which always turned out to be the start of something better, it had been a wonderful journey, made even better after having married Ahmad Cendana in February 2011.

He too had gone through numerous changes since he first stepped foot on Selangor soil nine months before we married. That move from Pasir Mas where he had lived for about 25 years was barely two months after we had known each other. It sounds like a pretty short time, but at that time, it felt too long.

Unknown to me then, Ahmad Cendana was in a bad shape, putting it mildly. We never saw or spoke to each other; we communicated only through text messages and Facebook, so I had no idea how he looked, much less know the physical condition he was in. But the urge to help him was overwhelming. For the two months we were living 500 km apart, thoughts of him and his well-being consumed me. It wasn't just feelings of love, but a deep compassion and desire to help him get well, and live a reasonably normal life.

I had to totally depend on guidance from the Almighty, as there wasn't anyone else who was seeing him that could provide information on his actual condition. At times he would be silent for a few days, not responding to my messages and calls. I felt desperate and totally helpless when I was unable to be there to help him, not knowing his condition, and not knowing if he was dead or still alive...was agonising. During these times, I had almost given up, but always, just at the breaking point, I would receive "messages" telling me to be patient and to hang on. The strength He had provided me with to endure these times was truly incredible. 

The most significant "message" I received was that this man, who had gone through hell and back, was in a totally wasted condition and place. His disposition did not do justice to the gifts of talent and intellect God had bestowed him with. He himself was wasted, but even so, some selfish people had been taking advantage of him and making use of whatever he had at that time. He had done his time. It was time for his turnaround and for some reason or other, God had chosen me to be his aide.

The "messages" further indicated that Ahmad Cendana was meant for much bigger things in life, where he would be of immense benefit to mankind. Yes...mankind. That's the extent of his influence over people through his writing and knowledge, in a faculty that he would eventually master. "Benefit to mankind"...how could I ignore that call. I would have committed an unforgivable wrongdoing and be regarded as zaleem if I did.

Four years on, Ahmad Cendana is almost recovered, alhamdulillah. He had gained substantial weight, and has added four inches to his waist. This would have made my late Mama very happy, as she had whispered to him to put on some weight on our wedding day. He now works for a coastal and environment engineering consultant firm, where he loves what he does. He edits, translates and writes parts of the reports, which are the major source of income for the company. Some of the projects involved are crucial to the society, such as projects to stop soil erosion, silting and floods. Being involved in and contributing to projects that is beneficial to people bring much satisfaction to my husband, and it gives him the much needed sense of pride and fulfillment.

But Ahmad Cendana is not quite there yet. He has not realised his full potential, not even half of it. He knows it, but he is quite contented where he is right now. He just wants to be in the moment, and be grateful that he is now of use and of great significance to his family, his company and his country. 

We don't know what's in store for us; we just have to fully utilise the resources and energy created and presented to us each day. Between us, I think we have achieved more in the last four years than in the last forty years. Each day together is a celebration, each day is a blessing, and we're going to take each day, one at a time.

Happy Birthday, Sayang...I love you so much.

It's a cold, rainy Monday in the Land Beneath the Wind and I'm writing this post using my Samsung Mega under the duvet beside my daughter. The curtains are drawn and as I write this, the sea is in my full view. Oh, what bliss!

The newly married couple, my husband, sister and brother-in-law  and stepdaughter's parents-in-law.

It was so pleasant walking along the waterfront and stopping by anywhere that caught our fancy.

Azni loves pearls and adorns them almost everyday as part of her working wardrobe. Most befitting I would say.

The trip was also an opportunity for Marzia to meet up with Dr. Zehan, her childhood friend who is posted to the hospital here. Dr. Zehan joined us for a glorious seafood dinner at the Philippines Market at the Waterfront.

Daughter and sister on the wharf after dinner at a Thai restaurant.

This is a very, very rare picture of my husband.

My husband had just only remarked that I had given good titles for my previous posts. But he had spoken too soon; this time, I was at a total loss to what title I should give this one. I was searching for the perfect adjective to describe the two exceptional women that I would feature here. I wanted one that would reflect their outstanding characters, but it was difficult because in my honest opinion, they are, well... beyond words to describe. Yes...they are undeniably, women beyond words. 

"...it is my staunch belief that even if there is only one person who benefits from this effort of mine, then I know I have fulfilled at least one tiny responsibility to God and mankind." 

Norhafizah and her son, Ashraf Ilman. Despite her medical condition, she has brought him up to be a filial son, and whom will soon become a doctor, insya Allah.

Well, Fizah, you can be rest assured that you certainly have. Because after reading your book, of which the above statement was extracted from, I am so compelled to work even harder on my trigona bee project. You see, trigona bees produce a substance called beebread. Beebread is known to repair and rebuild cells and tissue that are diseased or damaged, and apparently is excellent in repairing damaged kidneys. There is no known medicine that can reverse the damage when kidneys are diseased so this miraculous beebread may just be the breakthrough in the treatment of End Stage Renal Disease (ESRD). And God willing, I shall dedicate my time, efforts and money in making this a reality. Because you inspired me.
 
Norhafizah and I both do not believe in "coincidence'. Everything was in His Masterplan, and this book of hers was published at the time when I had just started rearing bees. But more about this later, this post is about my friend Hafizah and her sister, whom she refers to as Oni.

The special bond between mother and son - this pix taken by Hafizah's younger son just tugs at my heartstrings.

Hafizah's "baby boy" Ahmad Zakiy, named after her nephrologist in HKL.