An Nisaa - I am Woman

When I married Ahmad Cendana, or Che Mad as he is known in his home town, I honestly didn't have any idea what I was getting myself into, and didn't really know what to expect of all his family members. In fact I never really did think much about it. All I knew was, I had to help him get out of the horrible state of being he was in, and bring him back to his family, his aged parents especially, where he belonged. My husband had ostracised himself from his family and society, and one of my biggest wish was to reunite them. It had been too many painful years for everyone.

As far as his family was concerned, I only knew what everyone else who had read his posts in his Recovery blog did. Earlier in our relationship, I had only exchanged a few text messages with his father and younger sister. But it was enough to know, and hope that my presence in Che Mad's life would be welcomed by all of them. My own father had passed on in 2004 and the prospect of having someone again as a father figure was heart-warming. 

It took a while to cajole him into going back to Alor Star. I knew it was extremely difficult for him to face his parents after all those years and all he had done, but it was of paramount importance. With parents, there simply cannot be any compromise. I was looking forward to getting married, but not without the blessings of both our parents. After we had gotten them from my late Mama, I had insisted on meeting his parents and getting their blessings too before making any preparations for the wedding. Mama had wanted us to get married quickly so it had to be soon.

So, with my son, Aiman as chaperone, we finally made our way to the capital of Kedah state to meet Che Mad's parents whom he had not met for more than two decades. Suffice to say, there couldn't be a more touching, momentous occasion than a father and a mother reuniting with a long "lost" son.     

Initially I had admired Abah because he is such a responsible father. He possesses immense spiritual, emotional, mental and physical strength that had enabled him to face the tremendous challenges of having a son who was once a hardcore drug addict. He never once gave up and did almost everything possible to save his only son from the demonic clutches of drug addiction. This alone earned my highest respect for him.

Over the years, as I got to know him better, I started looking upon him even higher. His love for and devotion to his children and grandchildren are exemplary and the successes of his daughters are testimony to this. Nonetheless, he believes he had failed in bringing up and correcting his son. I vehemently contradicted him, telling him that he had done the best he could to help, and that he wasn't in the least at fault. I had assured him that whatever good that could come from my marriage to his son is most probably the manifestation of his relentless du'a and efforts.

It turns out that one of the best things being married to Ahmad Cendana is having the privilege of having a father-in-law in Abah. It feels like I have inherited a priceless possession, a solid treasure of eighty years of knowledge, experience, wisdom, love and strength. I feel so blessed to be able to live the last phase of my life being a beneficiary of his love. He calls me by a most endearing "Anakanda" and has "bestowed" me with the title "Che" as in his biological daughters' names. And I know it comforts and heals him from the pains inflicted in the past when I return his calling with a loving "Ya, Ayahanda". 
  
I will need a lot of composure writing this last paragraph because during the recent visit to Alor Star, I had finally realised the significance of something very distinct, essential and esteemed in this man I call Abah. Every time I just think about it I find myself crying hopelessly and shamelessly. It is the source of his strength, determination and tenacity, it is what he is made of, his whole being. It was the main reason he was able to withstand the hardship and bitterness in battling with the problems and consequences brought about by a son suffering from serious addiction. 

It was his love for a woman, the woman he'd do anything for, the woman in his life...his wife.

The door leading to Abah and Mak's bedroom.						Abah had written the date they got married and their 50th anniversary on it. Notice the zeroes in "2008" are heart shaped.

To some, it may just be a piece of paper. Only but a small achievement, just a basic degree. But for the two of us, it was a momentous occasion. So syukur I was able to share the moment with you. It is a big step towards your adult life and only the beginning of your career and future.

School and learning definitely doesn't end here. The Universe is your classroom now. Even if you continue your studies for further qualifications, the factors and elements will be very different now. 

If ever you get the opportunity and decide to further your studies, always remember your main intention in doing so is not for the status or respect, not to be more intelligent or qualified, and not for the wealth or money. Never expect these; they don't come from your qualifications.

Learn and educate yourself with the intention to fulfil the compulsory obligation to The Almighty, The All Knowing. True knowledge will lead you to true success, and true success is being blessed with the faith and ability to be humble and subservient to Him. The bounties will come as He decrees, as He deems fit; and you have to accept whatever He does.  

I want to recapture a few things YB Tan Sri Arshad Ayub said during his speech at the ceremony. They are very basic principles but very pertinent nevertheless and worth remembering and holding on to.

1. Take risks. Be outwardly and courageous. *I see a lot of me in you. You dare to be different. I love that in you. But use it very wisely.*

2. Don't ever be complacent, it's your worse enemy. *You mentioned that you will strive to be better everyday. Don't make empty promises to yourself or anyone else. Hold that promise in your heart and fulfil it. If you try and cannot make a 20% improvement, make a 2% improvement. It is still progress.*


3. Be proficient in English. *Don't be satisfied with your proficiency now. Improve and hone it by reading, reading, more reading and practising. Trust Sid and learn to write well too. You are living with one of the best writers around. One who loves, and is also good at teaching too.*

4. Learn a third language. You will be competing with thousands of other graduates and you need to have an edge over them. *Sound familiar? Work on it now.*

This last one is from me...don't ever, ever forget your daily solat, reading the Quran and hadith, understanding the contents and living and abiding by them. You will not go wrong in whatever you decide to do and remain strong.  

I am so delighted that you love children, and especially  compassionate towards special and underprivileged ones.  Always try to make time for them Darling; you will be endowed  with a sense of fulfilment so rich  no possession or any other experience can provide the same. My ultimate dream is for you to be my partner  not only on paper but my associate in the practice.  If I'm not around long enough to see the Islamic hospital,  I hope you would take over everything I've worked for  and materialise that dream.

Below is something written by an anonymous person, which I want to share with you. These words were a great comfort to me when I went against the odds and made a big decision to switch to Islamic medicine six years ago. I hope they will inspire you too.

God gave me a life, and he sent down a Book to show me how to live it and His Messenger (pbuh) to guide me through it. It is now up to me to make the right decisions, and be accountable for all of my actions. I am not to blame anyone or circumstance for any setbacks and failures. They are due to my own arrogance and ignorance, my many, many weaknesses and shortcomings. 

They are the consequence of my own wrongdoings when I defy my better judgement and submit to the evil nafs instead. Well, it seems so much easier, pleasurable and satisfying lest only superficially and temporarily. Eventually however, it only serves to create disasters, calamities and possibly irreparable damage. I know, I know, I know...so why do I always falter and slip?

I actually have the power to decide whether I want to be happy or grouchy, feisty or sluggish, robust or feeble, rich or destitute. The happiness is in my own heart, the energy is in my mind, the strength is in my faith and the wealth is the Universe.

Everything in absolute is in my Soul - it encompasses my whole being, it is beyond my existence, it is an infinite dimension. It is only up to my Mind and my Heart to conceive it.  

But my Heart and Mind sometimes play the power game with each other- which has control over the other? Which has the last say? Which is the right choice, the right answer, the right way, the right solution?

The Mind may be the the think-tank but it may be polluted with ill-information and distorted beliefs. It is contaminated from foods that I may have eaten, ill-feelings that I possess, and toxic thoughts that only damage the entire system. It may be warped by the devil's influence because I did not carry out the rituals that I have been instructed to religiously.

And my Heart? That is where the core of my Soul rests. 

If my Heart gets hurt, my Mind will tell it "Hey Heart..it's not worth the pain. There's too much to live for, and you may not have very much time left. If you think it hurts, it will".

And when my Mind tells me, "You can't do it, you don't have the skill nor the qualification, nor the guts." Then, my dear, humbled Heart will wisely advise otherwise. It gently reminds the Mind, "Hey Mind..you're right, I may not have all those attributes you mentioned. But I believe Allah does. I am convinced that He Knows of my intentions and that He will be my Guide, my Master, my Teacher. He possesses the Power to do anything, give to anyone He pleases. And I feel Him in everything I do. Because He is within us".  

"Okay Heart, if you say so, I will draw energy from this conviction of yours. I will create the ideas and design the plans. These will inevitably emit positive vibrations required to draw and converge the necessary elements to achieve our objectives. I will help you manifest your goals". 

"Hey you two," says the Soul suddenly. "I see the both of you are finally in agreement with each other. I've been waiting infinitely for this moment. Time and space are finally in resonance. We are now finally united. We can now meet Manifest. "